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Toast Sweat Epidemic Tackled Head-On By Plucky EU Ministers and Bureaucrats

"This Is What The European Union Should Be All About, Making Our Lives Safer When National Govts Just Don't Care" Says Helmut Gustoferson (EU President)

Toast - a health threat to us allFollowing a recent outbreak of Food Poisoning in the German Suburb of Himblag, the cause has been narrowed down to an outbreak of "Toast Sweat" or Yeastius Dampus to give it its medical term.

According to our scientific advisors Toast Sweat occurs when hot grilled bread, normally after being cooked in a "toaster" is placed too quickly on a cold plate in the horizontal position, as shown in the computer-generated images on the left of the screen. This leads to an excess of condensation or "sweat" on the bottom of the bread, the perfect breeding ground for dangerous bacteria such as e-coli and spongi-form effilitus, both common causes of food poisoning.

"The populous of Himblag have become lax in their food-preperation safety techniques" Said Olaf Juntler (European Health Spokesman) at a hastily convened press-conference at the European Union,. " the threat of Yeastius Dampus must not be underestimated, and in this outbreak at least half a dozen individuals may have been afflicted with "upset tummies" due to poor preparation of grilled bread."

Hundreds of EU Bureaucrats have been working through the night on drafts of new legislation to counter this serious threat. Our inside reporter has had the documents and states they look like serious stuff indeed. A new organisation, consisting of 350 "Special Commissioners" will be charged with inspecting the toast preparation techniques of Govt. funded food providers to ensure they abide by new guidelines. School Dinners will be the first to be inspected in member states, then Civil Service canteens, followed by Universities, Railway Cafes and the catering facilities of the Armed Services.

The Commissioners will have the power to fine rogue cooks or even close down restaurants that do not follow the new "Toast Timetable" which prevents the build-up of Toast Sweat. Over the next year a new International Standard, ISO7824, will be published. This will require all personnel involved in the preparation of cooked or grilled sliced bread to undergo vocational-based assessments to prove they can understand and implement the new rules.

It is estimated that a further 7,000 jobs will be created in the "Toast Preparation Assessment" field, which will be funded by contributions from member states, based on their per capita consumption of toast. Total coast will not exceed £450 million pounds over a two year period. France has already used its veto to avoid the legislation, stating that "The French Stick, or Baguette, is immune to the symptoms of Toast Sweat due to its shape - it will simply roll and not become damp."

As an emergency measure 450 million leaflets will be distributed to households in European Countries warning against the dangers of Toast Sweat, and containing the following (simulated) images of grilled bread showing the exact angle that Toast must be stored at to keep it safe. The image of 4 pieces of toast together is, of course, only for advanced food-preperation technicians and not for ordinary members of the public.

Toast Sweat Avoidance Technique Advanced Toast Sweat Technique


This article was a pack of lies. Read more untruths.....

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