"This is what I've been working for all my life - confirmation that Astrology is a true science that benefits mankind" - Russell Grant
In an announcement that will not be a surprise to many, it was revealed today that the next recipient of the Nobel Prize for Science will be acclaimed British Astrologer Russell Grant.
In a statement from Stockholm the Nobel committee praised Mr Grants dedication to his chosen field, and the way in which his daily predictions helped millions of people the world over plan and understand their lives.
"More than any other science in the early 21st Century, Astrology has brought insight & happiness to many people" Said Gunther Splick, Committee member, "Astrology has now been empirically proved to work, and give us real insights into the future".
The decision to award Grant the prize reflects the acceptance of Astrology into main-stream science, a trend confirmed by many official appointments. Only last year the US CIA set up a crack team of Astrologers to predict future Terrorist attacks, and it is suspected that British Intelligence have been using Astrologers for decades, and they were critical in stopping many planned IRA attacks during the troubles in Northern Ireland.
"It is true that Astrologers are key to our anti-crime initiatives" Harold Jickens, Scotland Yard Spokesman, "We have used the services of Mr. Grant and his colleagues dozens of times over the last decade, predicting the times and locations of several serial-killer attacks, helping us to prevent them and apprehend the criminals"
Although practiced for thousands of years it is only recently that Astrology has been given the respect it deserves. Dismissed as hocus-pocus, or simply rubbish in the past, we now can read our horror scopes with the confidence that they will really show what is in store for our future.
Speaking from the McDonalds Restaurant he had built in the private grounds of his country retreat, Russell said that "This is the proudest moment of my life.... the truth has been accepted by the wider scientific community, and I look forward to continuing my great work."
Mr. Grant was due to pick up his award tomorrow, but due to an unforeseen freak storm over the North Atlantic affecting all passenger flights, the ceremony has been postponed until next week.
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